Leave
by WelshClaire
Summary: Angst little H/N one shot because we're still not over Harry going to America. "Doctor Harry Cunningham had taken all of her emotions, the good and the bad, and discarded them, leaving her with nothing."


**So, another little treat for you in the form of a bit of angst, which I seem to be writing a lot of at the moment! **

She thought her heart had stopped when he broke the news. Was he blaming her, or himself when he said he couldn't wait forever. Either way she knew exactly what he was referring to and knew he was right. They'd left it too long and now he was freeing her - or freeing himself of her. She wasn't sure she wanted to be free of him, but she knew deep down that if he didn't do this, they'd be in this limbo forever, with everyone assuming they were together, then having to explain they were just friends.

He'd come round to hers late one night, as he often did. She knew it was something serious when she noticed the lack of wine in his hands, and when he went through to her kitchen to sit down at the table there instead of relaxing in her front room. She sat opposite him after making tea for them both, a worried look on her face. She wondered if something had happened to his mum, or to Leo or Janet, but she knew that she would have received a frantic phone call if any of those were the case. Something had happened to him. He looked fine physically, he hadn't been crying, he didn't seem drunk... She waited for him to be ready to talk instead of pressing him for an explanation. 15 minutes later, her mug of tea almost finished, his still untouched, he broke the news.

"I felt it was only right to tell you before I tell Leo, even though he's our boss. I'm handing in my resignation first thing tomorrow. I've got a new job. I was never going to progress at the Lyell, Nikki, not while you or Leo are still there. It had to happen." He reached for her hand across the table, a solemn look on his face. "I couldn't wait forever. It's in America. It'll be different, but I'll be free...of the police here, of the justice system, of..."

He trailed off, words failing him as he saw her taking it all in, her brow furrowed as she figured it out in her head.

"Right, well," she paused, not entirely sure of her feelings. "Congratulations. When do you start?"

"If Leo can sort it with the coroner, I'll finish a week today, and fly out the day after. If not, I'll work my notice then go."

"I guess you've got a lot of packing to do then?" She asked, draining the last of her tea.

"Yea, I'll leave some stuff with mum, but one way or another everything's going into boxes," he said, before grinning sadly. "Almost like I've died."

She forced herself to laugh at his cruel joke. He may as well be dead, she thought, flying half way around the world. He'll take a chance on a new job, in a new country where he knows no one, but won't take a chance on a relationship.

"You'd better get started then, if you could be leaving in a week," when said coldly, standing up and tidying the mugs away. "No time like the present."

"Nikki, I..." He grabbed her hand as she went to walk away from him

"I'll see you at work tomorrow Harry. You said what you had to, now leave, please," she said, pulling her hand from his and turning away from him. She laid her hands on the counter, her head down, refusing to let herself look at him. She knew she'd explode with rage if she did, and neither of them needed that.

Eventually, she heard him sigh, and leave the room, his footsteps growing quieter as he neared the front door, then it opened and closed, she hoped with him on the other side of it. She remained where she was, listening for any signs that he was still inside and when she was sure he wasn't, she turned, sliding down against the cupboards to sit on the floor. She didn't know how she felt, she wasn't sure she felt anything. Doctor Harry Cunningham had taken all of her emotions, the good and the bad, and discarded them, leaving her with nothing. Leaving her alone.

Two weeks later, she was ready to get out of the Lyell Centre for the night, a large mug of tea and her bed were calling her. Her computer pinged, notifying her of a new email. She instinctively knew exactly who it would be from, and wondered how long it had taken him to send it.

"I'm sorry Nikki. I should've discussed it with you before I made any decisions, but maybe that would have made things worse. I hope you can understand why I had to do it. I hope one day you can forgive me. It was the right thing for me to do. I needed to get away from the Lyell, and you deserve so much better than me. I let you think for all this time that there could have been something, the fact that I did that without doing anything about it proves I'm not good enough for you. I knew you wouldn't move on while I was still in London, I knew you'd always think we stood a chance if I did, and believe me, I wish we did. I'm gone now though, so take this chance. Move on. Don't become a stranger, but let yourself find someone, someone better than me. You're probably thinking they don't exist, but I know they do. Anyone who has the courage to tell you how they feel is automatically better for you than I am, at least with them you'll know about it.  
Keep in touch,  
H x "

She stared at the screen, tears beginning to run down her cheeks. Much as she wanted to believe her friend, she doubted anyone else would come close to him - any guy she met in the past had been compared to him, and she didn't think that would ever change. She knew who she wanted to be with.

**Hidden away in there are two tiny phrases borrowed from the same song in a musical which inspired this fic. If any of you manage to identify them I'll be very impressed :) Let me know if you do, and even if you don't, take a few seconds to leave a little review? They're always appreciated!**

**C x**


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